When october

Oh ! I wrote this some time ago ....

Air is getting cold.sun is also getting weak.fall is around the corner,trees are still green.they are ready to shed their leaves and tolerate long spell of winter .
i am sitting near south seaport.somes tourists are busy in posing or taking pics on the backdrop of brookyln and manhatten skyline.murmuring of boat ,sound of traffic and occasionally tourist noises are feeling my ear. There is newly married asian couple. They are getting pics everywhere. What a dream occasion. Bride is very beautiful in her pink dress.lucky are those who fall in love and get married. I wanted to fall in everytime with people arround me but timing,person always come as a obstacle.long time ago i decided to experience love through other person and every time i found myslef rising in love with myself.what a strange destiny i have. Everytime i start liking someone, gal is on the cross roads, after some time when i start expressing myself,gal gets closer to their past boyfriend.they keep going deeper in love with their partners and i keep rising in love with myself. I think my life will remain "mahroom" of women love. My motherz is probably the only woman who loved me..... I find myself constantly disillussioned by woman. I guess i am one of those who needs to find woman in myself .
i started this search few years ago,had some success ,later got consumed with R and become poor again in those qualities. Last few years have been so occupying in survival and study that i didnt have time to devote myself into this pursuit of finding woman .
now i again i am in the pursuit of finding external woman first.few failures will silent my efforts and i would become extraordnarilly introvert. Sometimes i find this lack of love is ultimate tragedy of my being here,sometime i see this as opportunity to transform myself into a continuous search for growth. I dont know what future is holding for me ,one thing is sure i must keep rising in love amidst of all this whats going on arround me .
coming back to outside world ,which is so historic and difficult. Lehman brothers got bankrupt and barclay has got their midtown building ...today i had long discussion with S about worst times and premtive measures,,,it will be bad time ,,difficult time...This city has survived many hard times.... October is yet to come....